.: if i close my eyes i'll sleep for days :.
One day I'll fly away; leave all this to yesterday.

Sleeping. If you're sleeping, are you dreaming? If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me? Last night I slept next to him, free of cuddling and free of romance. We slept because we were tired. We were tired from talking, we were tired from pouring our hearts out to one another, and we were tired of trying to make sense of what we have, because it is impossible to do so.

He called me last night to see what I was doing, and I was fully prepared to blow him off, but I didn't. I told him to come over, that we needed to talk. So that's just what we did. When he got there he tried to kiss me, I wanted to kiss him so much, but I didn't. He started to joke like we always do, and pretended nothing was wrong. In my mind, something was wrong, very wrong. I was moving on from him, and he had no idea of it, and I had to tell him, I couldn't fall back into my old ways of avoiding important situations.

I started off with a question, "Why are you with me?" He replied that I am sweet, great to be around, sexy, he really cares about me, and he said that if I am sticking by him through all these bad times then he knows I will be there with him for the good times.

Damn, I thought, He said it all right. He knew exactly what to say.

He retorted, "Why are you with me?" he asks. I am with you because I see who you are, and who you can be, and I really do care about that person, that person is an amazing man. But... I didn't know how to proceed, I was so nervous, so I just closed my eyes and jumped, I threw it all on the table. ...you are ignoring the person you could be and you are self-destructing, and taking me with you. The drugs, the lack of ambition, the colorless approach to so much in life, that's not the person I met 4 years ago, it's like I'm not even with the real you. Either bring back that person or I can't be with this alter-you.

He sat quiet. He told me he loves being with me because I don't bother him about his potential and give him lectures about doing more with his life. I quickly then apologized for not encouraging him more, that is what a girlfriend is for, to support you and encourage you, not to completely carry you and shelter you from reality.

He hugged me and we sat for a long time in silence, no TV, no music. We just sat on the couch staring out the window, looking to the cold for an answer, but never getting one. I love being in his arms; I feel very safe and loved. After about 20 minutes, he spoke. "So what now?" I didn't have an answer. I stayed quiet, leaned my cheek against his shoulder to hide my tears, and then said, Just please don't walk away from this like it is easy, because it's not easy for me to walk away from you. And if it is easy for you, don't let me see it. "I am not going to walk away from you, but I don't know if I can change either." 20 more minutes in silence went by where we were thinking over what had just been said. Let's go lay down. I'm exhausted.

So we went to bed, he stayed on his side, and I stayed on mine. But I couldn't sleep, and in the middle of the night I grabbed for him and woke him up and he held me, and it hurt my heart to feel his gentle touch and the warmth of his arms around me, so I quickly turned over and tried to sleep some more, free of contact. As much as I love having my own space, the reason he was giving me my space was killing me. It became very apparent to me how much I really do care for him.

This morning I woke up around 6:30, I turned to him and he was already awake, watching me sleep. His sweet smile and soft "Hey Babe" are my favorite part of the morning, and without missing a beat I got my morning smile and greeting from him.

I kissed him on the cheek when he left this morning and we had a long hug. He said he would call me, that is, if I wanted him to. I told him that would be great.

I don't know where it's going, I don't even know where it's been, but at least there is some progress, some closure, and maybe a long way down the road a new beginning. But for now, I just need ... I have no idea what I need.